Tuesday, 24 March 2015

Thursday, 19 March 2015

New Study: UnBreastfed Babies Ain't Shit

********Associated Press, March 2015

A new study out of Holland revealed that babies who were never breastfed or not breastfed by an organic woman for at least three years aren't shit.

"They ain't shit," said Dr. Simon Chrymasonov from the Holland Institute of the Genetic Sciences.

The longitudinal study followed 6,000 mothers and their infants over the course of 40 years and found that those who weren't exclusively breastfed were 25x more likely to have a hotmail email address.

"They ain't shit," Dr. Chrymasonov reiterated in his February 2015 keynote at the International Pediatrics Summit in Switzerland. 

Out of the 6,000 mothers, it was noted that the children who were not breastfeed for at least two years went on to purchase Android devices. In a survey, 70% of them claimed that "a phone is just a phone" and "the Galaxy takes really good photos." 90% of them needed Wifi to send text messages.

85% of breastmilk-deficient females admitted to finding Kim Kardashian "very pretty" and 0% had never attended Coachella.

"Shit: they ain't it," said Dr. Chrymasonov in a sit down interview with NPR's Bob Stein.

The study found that of the adults who were breastfed as children for at least 2.5+ years, 92% considered Ikea furniture unacceptable for someone over 29 years-old. 97% of them would rather summer in Aix en Provence than Paris, and 98% had successfully transitioned from The Body Shop to Crabtree & Evelyn by 35 and could identify a bar of Almond Oil Triple Milled soap by smell. The cleansers of choice for the unbreastfed group of adults included: Axe Shower Gel, Irish Spring, Herbal Essences, and Softsoap with "shea butter."

"Ain't shit, they are," Dr. Chrymasonov said in his Palo Alto Ted Talk last week.

Interestingly, there were notable similarities between the mothers who opted out of breastfeeding or cut it short by several years. Within this group of ladies, 78% of them believed it was OK for newborns to be forward facing on the hospital ride home so they could "enjoy the view." They were 85% more likely to have purchased a Graco carseat on sale.

Non-breastfeeding, or "My Needs First" mothers as they were nicknamed in the research documents to avoid bias, were 96% more likely to confuse "your" and "you're" in Facebook status updates. One researcher attempted to find a correlation between the visible exaggerated slope of their foreheads to their grammar but funding deficiencies halted his work.

There is some encouraging news for mothers who partially breastfeed their children. The study revealed that for every three months of breastfeeding a child experienced after the bare minimum one year, there was an average 15 point increase on the nursed adult's credit score. 

*******Associated Press, March 2015

(I wrote a book -sorry in advance) 

Thursday, 12 March 2015

Upcoming Events

2015 Events Calendar

Miami's Biggest Baby Shower
Tutti Bambini 
January 29th 6PM 

Austin Texas 
March 15
Panel: Making Essays Go Viral 

MommyCon Minneapolis
April 18 

Mother of All Baby Showers 
Washington DC 
Friday, April 25th 

MommyCon Orlando 
May 23rd 

Mother of All Baby Showers
Orlando, Florida
May 29th

MommyCon Washington DC
August 22

Mother of All Baby Showers
South Florida
October 13th

Mother of All Baby Showers
November 14th

Friday, 19 December 2014


I think about aliens a lot. I hope they don't watch our music videos. Aliens, if you're reading this, make me a leader please. A general of some sort. My loyalty lies with you now (sorry humans we all have to make hard choices during these trying times NOW FORM A STRAIGHT LINE).

PS. I'm just learning to draw. Plus I was hungry.

Thursday, 18 December 2014

Screen Time

Parenting studies irritate me, especially ones about screen time. What's the difference between staring at an iPad and staring at a lake. Nothing. I looked it up.