Tuesday, December 4, 2018

King Without Her Crown

This morning was one of those mornings. My most challenging kid (who has almost the exact personality as me, go figure) woke up ready for battle. It actually started last night with a lack of listening, talking back, and me being a present and patient Earth mother in gingham apron ( aka yelling).



 I love being a mom, I really do, but sometimes that mouth tho. After all of the back and forth that bled into this morning (pre-coffee of course), 5 y/o was wailing because there was no time for Teen Titans Go and because he had to get dressed yet again (putting on clothes is always a major shock to his system- keep him in your thoughts).

 My oldest, the sage one, simply watched the chaos unfold quietly as she does. That’s been her MO since she was a baby. When I’d take her to the park as a toddler, if there were any kids who even seemed even a bit rowdy, she’d calmly exit the jungle gym and come sit next to me on the bench and watch. She doesn’t do ruckus. It’s not her scene. She was blessed with two siblings who are the exact type of kid she tried so hard to avoid.

 I empathize with the mom in Where the Wild Things Are. Max did too much and ended up in his room. Without dinner. And while the little king of monsters went on his imagination voyage to a the island with monsters more terrible than him, I wonder if his mom sat downstairs in their family room, eyes closed feeling simultaneously furious at her baby and terrible for not being the perfect stern but peaceful disciplinarian we all want to be. I didn’t have time to change out of my real pajamas into my yoga pants pajamas. My son was envious, not realizing that these black and red blatant pj pants at school drop off amongst the smoothly ironed pencil skirts and crisp stain-free business pants send a very clear message to the world that I lost control of the morning.

 I haven’t smoked in a week but needed something and bourbon is frowned upon before 5pm. My spirit wanted me to pray, ask the God who isn’t a abstract deity to me, but a Father who gets it and cares, for help, but I was too mad. Closed off. In “f*** everything” mode even though I could feel heaven’s eyes on me, not judging but waiting for me to look up. But I didn’t want to. Like Max, I retreated into my own island jungle of overwhelm populated by my own wild things (anger, resentment, and cigarette smoke- don’t give me quitting tips or warnings. I know).

 As I drove home, I heard the Voice. Always so gentle like the faintest of breezes but somehow also so clear. So far away and near at the same time. And no matter how grown I am, the sound of it makes me feel like a child again.

 *Juvinile’s Back That Azz Up* playing in my empty car as I smoke and marinate in anger, shame and despair at not being able to do anything right ever*

I’d been so good lately and now this. Five steps forward and three back, I thought looking at my cigarette. Me: “So what are you going to punish me now?” I ask, a challenge in my voice.

Voice: I’m not like you.

 I see myself last night and this morning matching everything my kid said, escalating. Then no words, just the Presence that feels like a slowing rising sun whose light shows me where I am and what I need to do to get back home.

 I’m not ready to sail back, though because, like Max riding the back of his terrible new monster friends, this is where I get to be the King. My paper crown proves it. On this island I’m in charge. Did you notice my crown? It’s real.

 Me: “This is who I am,” I said, always defiant.

I’m the one who messes up and hurts people or gets hurt. That’s me.

You ever heard God laugh? It sounds like soap bubbles popping, a mix of delight and amusement and always catches me off guard.

 Voice: You’re telling the one who made you who you are?

 My music played... “Girl you look good won’t you back that azz up.” I turned it down a bit and thought: “Ok, what do You see then?”

The Breeze was quiet. I changed the song to one by Matisyahu, a Jewish American reggae singer whose soulful songs are always calming and unlike some spiritual music, never tell me how to feel. 

My sails went up, like Max’s. But sailing back home from the island isn’t a quick trip. I got into the boat. Slowly. Already missing my monster friends.

 This morning happened. The light came and reminded me how children in paper crowns might act like monsters but are still children. I’m one of them and raising them, too.

I can’t go back and change anything. But when they get home, I’ll have some gentle words waiting and of course, dinner.

 Love, Bunmi 🌹

-
PS. I always throw away the full new pack when I slip up but this time kinda wanted to keep it and maybe have one more before quitting AGAIN. I pulled one out, lit it and held it up asking God, “Souvenir?” Like “Can I has?” And immediately got a picture in my mind’s eye of lungs dotted with black stuff and that voice asking, “Souvenir?” back. When I tell you God had a sense of humour, please believe me.

--------

*Spongebob voice* ONE HOUR LATER

This is the Matisyahu song I listen to over and over and love is called King Without a Crown. That crown. Like Max's crown. Yeah I just put that together an hour later (still haven't had coffee and I'm not the quickest girl in the world. 😊

This song is beautiful and it always makes me reflect on my spiritual journey with God... a relationship that's been defined by my running, hiding, pretending not to understand, tantruming, arguing, throwing logs on the fire of my anger because it keeps me warm against feeling anything else but always crying out from my heart because I know who my Father is even when I'm wildin. ❤️
Matisyahu's story is really interesting...born and raised in the Orthodox Jewish community, gravitated from the Chabad movement to Hasidism... he went THROUGH IT (drug use as a teen, divorce, ostracism from his religious community and many people, a child with serious medical issues who is doing well now thankfully, and while his beard is gone meaning he probably isn't the Hasidic community anymore, he's still making music from his heart and soul and I love what he's all about). Thank you for attending my Ted Talk on the matter.


Hashem = God
Moshiac = Messiah

Lyrics:

You're all that I have and you're all that I need
Each and every day I pray to get to know you please
I want to be close to you, yes I'm so hungry
You're like water for my soul when it gets thirsty
Without you there's no me
You're the air that I breathe
Sometimes the world is dark and I just can't see
With these, demons surround all around to bring me down to negativity
But I believe, yes I believe, I said I believe
I'll stand on my own two feet
Won't be brought down on one knee
Fight with all of my might and get these demons to flee
Hashem's rays fire blaze burn bright and I believe
Out of darkness comes light, twilight unto the heights
Crown Heights burnin' up all through till midnight
Said, thank you to my God, now I finally got it right
And I'll fight with all of my heart, and all a' my soul, and all a' my might
What's this feeling?
My love will rip a hole in the ceiling
Givin' myself to you from the essence of my being
Sing to my god all these songs of love and healing
Want Moshiach now so it's time we start revealing
What's this feeling?
My love will rip a hole in the ceiling
Givin' myself to you from the essence of my being
Sing to my God all these songs of love and healing
Want Moshiach now
Strip away the layers and reveal your soul
Got to give yourself up and then you become whole
You're a slave to yourself and you don't even know
You want to live the fast life but your brain moves slow
If you're trying to stay high then you're bound to stay low
You want God but you can't deflate your ego
If you're already there then there's nowhere to go
If you're cup's already full then its bound to overflow
If you're drowning in the water's and you can't stay afloat
Ask Hashem for mercy and he'll throw you a rope
You're looking for help from God you say he couldn't be found
Looking up to the sky and searchin' beneath the ground
Like a King without his Crown
Yes, you keep fallin' down
You really want to live but can't get rid of your frown
Tried to reach unto the heights and wound bound down on the ground
Given up your pride and the you heard a sound
Out of night comes day and out of day comes light
Nullified to the One like sunlight in a ray,
Makin' room for his love and a fire gone blaze
Makin' room for his love and a fire gone blaze
What's this feeling?
My love will rip a hole in the ceiling
Givin' myself to you from the essence of my being
Sing to my God all these songs of love and healing
Want Moshiach now so it's time we start revealing
What's this feeling?
My love will rip a hole in the ceiling
Givin' myself to you from the essence of my being
Sing to my God all these songs of love and healing
Want Moshiach now
And see, I lift up my eyes where my help come from
And I seen it circling around from the mountain
Thunder!
You feel it in your chest
You keep my mind at ease and my soul at rest
You're not vexed
When I look to the sky where my help come from
And I've seen it circling around from the mountain
Thunder!
You feel it in your chest




I also like Time of Your Song

Lyrics:

The world is moving to the song I hear,
Who's that singing, wind is rushing in my ear,
Mind gushing memories almost lost everything,
Felony and fellows running in my dream,
We were in the van where the hits were driving,
Saw myself In the highlands at age 13
And I'm asking questions to the present day me,
Moving backwards down the hill see we were posting.
Moonlight illuminate my night and my days sun ray make the people say
And a vision something's missing so they're screaming out loud
Keep my feet on the ground and my head in the clouds.
I'm the arrow, you're my bow, shoot me forth and I will go
And I know and I go and I go get up and go
Make me feel it's for real tell me what you know.
I don't need to glorify,
Ate the apple of the tree and tried to lie,
In the garden I'll remember
That's when I started to sing
I said death brings life into uncertain things,
Cut some slack for me
Sun setting autumn breeze
Sound is moving like a chorus
Keep hearing that melody,
Check the radio but there's nothing playing,
Check the radio again but there's nothing playing.
Moonlight illuminate my night and my days sun ray make the people say
And a vision something's missing so they're screaming out loud
Keep my feet on the ground and my head in the clouds.
I'm the arrow, you're my bow, shoot me forth and I will go
And I know and I go and I go get up and go
Make me feel it's for real tell me what you know.
Rewind!
Swing low, sweet chariot of flames
Change my name, yo!
It was always the same,
Till if only what you find when you climb,
Check the radio but of all that shines there's no time,
My life is making your mind work in overtime,
But along the line you'll have to pay for the crime.
Slow it down, you turbo too soon,
Vroom vroom then you want to blast off unto the moon,
But you might get trapped in a temple of doom,
You might get trapped in a temple of doom.
Moonlight illuminate my night and my days sun ray make the people say
And a vision something's missing so they're screaming out loud
Keep my feet on the ground and my head in the clouds.
I'm the arrow, you're my bow, shoot me forth and I will go
And I know and I go and I go get up and go
Make me feel it's for real tell me what you know.
I'm the arrow, you're my bow, shoot me forth and I will go
And I know and I go and I go get up and go
Make me feel it's for real tell me what you know.
Tell me what you know, tell me what you know.




I had a dream a couple weeks ago and people of different faiths were coming out of there homes and were singing one song to God. Listening to this song reminds me of that, too. I hope that happens. I hope you have a peaceful day, guys