Sin

This dream I had about two years ago and when I look back on it, I believe Jesus was showing me how sin works. It's sadder than people think.

Shortly after I woke up this morning, I knew I was going to share this dream. It was a surprise because I thought after I wrote yesterday, that was going to be it about dreams. But look at me listening and doing it quickly, wow. Progress.

This was the only dream I've had of Jesus where I saw Him sad. I can't recall if He was crying or not, but to say He was "sad" is an understatement. The kind of devastation in His face wasn't about a particular expression, mouth downturned or anything like that, it was His countenance, it was so sad. Like, a broken sadness. Not despairing. Maybe grief is a better word. The only look I can compare it to is in Breaking Bad where Jesse sees his girlfriend get killed (the one with the little boy), that's how it felt although His face didn't do all that. Heart sick, grief, broken.

In the dream, I did not know it was Jesus until I immediately woke up. I remember thinking, "Is that man ok? He's not ok," and was worried because I'd never in my life seen someone look like that before. As if they'd lost everything they loved and more. It was a sadness beyond what I'd ever seen in a person, even people facing the death of others.

The dream began with me at a friend's house. She wanted to get ready to go out clubbing. I've been out clubbing a lot in my life but wasn't in that frame of mind anymore and didn't want to go, but felt I didn't have a choice. It was one of those things where a friend really wants to do something and you're the only one they have to do it with. To say no would have ruined the night, in my mind.

I've actually been in that situation before in real life and said no and it did ruin the night for a friend who was mad at me, but that has nothing to do with this.

Anyway, my friend was so determined and excited. She was picking outfits and talking. We were in her husband's mother's house, but no one was home except us.

It was night. In the next scene we were seated at a bar. That's when I saw the man. He was so, so sad and I remember feeling concern that a person could look and feel like that.

My attention was turned as these bright pink translucent shots were poured and set in front of us. They were quite a pretty color but I didn't want any. I didn't want to be there at all, but my friend who I actually admired a lot in real life was having fun. I drank the drink and another appeared like magic.

This time I began to feel overwhelmed and in my mind, prayed. It wasn't a complicated prayer, I just said, "God please help me." I felt extremely trapped.

Before I saw what happened, I have to tell you what was happening to the right of me, beside my friend. There was a group of men, youngish, who moved like anime characters (weird I know, but it's how they looked- like real life anime people but not animated). They had a darkness to them but also seemed like they'd be considered cool. They smiled and joked with my friend.

Meanwhile, I was sitting, not speaking, but wondering how I could possibly get out of here without ruining everything.

After I said that prayer in my head, the Man appeared right in front of me, behind the bar and said, "You don't have to do that." He was the same Man who looked so distraught before, but this time He looked calm. I really loved His face here because as He looked at me, I believed Him. When He spoke, the words freed me from the feeling that I had no choice and it was like I could breathe.

Then, without me seeing Him move, He was at the entrance of the bar and shut it. He pulled down one of those big wide metal doors that some malls and other outside storefronts use when they close. You know the ones that you pull down from the top and cover the whole storefront. He shut the whole bar down.

I felt relieved but the problems weren't over.

The figures who my friend had been talking to stayed with us. We were walking back to her mother-in-law's home in the dark, along this long unpaved wide dirt path-not really a path, it was hard packed dirt and rock. Almost like a desert but no sand, open and hard earth. I know I chose a photo above of woods but there were no trees or grass or plants. Just hard earth and rocks and expanse. I'd seen a place like that in another dream. The figure men were right by her, still talking and joking.

The Man was there too, but a ways, maybe 30 feet. I could see Him, but He didn't come closer, but walked with us from there.

When we reached the house, without warning, the joking stopped and one of the figure men pulled out a giant weapon that looked like a rocket launcher, aimed it at the house, fired and took out a large section of the roof and top floor, a whole corner of the house. There was fire and everything.

It seemed to come out of nowhere, so fast, and was eerie in how calculated it all was. From the beginning it was obvious that had been the plan.

I can still see the expression of the figure/guy's face as he aimed even though it was shadowed and night. There was no joking or smiling at all, just intense, undeterred focus. All the smiling had been a lie. I get a sense of fear when I think about how deceptive and calculated it all was. In my mind, they'd followed us because they wanted to sleep with her but really they'd wanted to burn her entire house down.

The dream ended with my friend inside the house, I wasn't there but watching. She was speaking to her husband, mother-in-law and there was a brother-in-law or two there. They were drawing up an agreement for her to pay damages. She was going to have to pay for the damages to the house through working at her job.

I didn't see the Man again.

When I woke up, I immediately knew it had been Jesus.

I like the kind of dreams God gives because 1) they don't fade (unless He wants them to), but for the most part, they remain crystal clear and the emotions inside them stay fresh. 2) they move like living things, and deepen at times too. They remind me of the Bible in that way. 3) He'll bring some back to memory at a particular time to teach me something.

What this dream was meant to show me was how sin works. People don't like the word sin at all, because in these times the thought process is to do whatever suits you, but when you understand what sin is, you won't want it.

Getting off the path God wants, has consequences. There are many reasons we do it. In the dream, I was being a follower and not speaking up. I was being extremely weak and believed a lie that I had no choices. It echoed certain times in my life where I just gave up and gave in because it all felt too hard with too much pressure.

For my homegirl, she just wanted to have fun. I felt from the beginning that her fun was the most important, even more important than our friendship or even any thoughts of safety. It was this single minded "I'm doing this."

I know doing the wrong thing devastates Jesus, but I didn't know why until the end of the dream (and many months later as it kept coming back to memory). He knew what the figures were planning and had to watch it happen because it had been let in.

Evil unseen forces cannot accomplish their goals without agreement. Someone has to say yes and their yes can impact more than just them. He showed me the two kinds of yes: the determined one, and the kind I had, the yes by not saying no.

The evil in the dream didn't look evil from the start, it looked like fun, friendship, good times, and coolness. It looked like attention. Excitement, even, and it kept up that appearance, following us home and destroying what it had been led to.

I don't even know where that rocket weapon came from. It wasn't a small gun, something that could be concealed, it was huge, but I saw as the figure pulled it out from behind him, took a moment to aim, and fired. I saw the gaping, firey hole in the house and the shock on my friend's face. The broken wood and exposed rooms, beams, everything. I can still see it.

Please believe me when I say evil is calculated. It pretends to be a friend but it wants to destroy and take things from you.

Another thing God showed me in the dream was the different positions Jesus took and why.

He started off watching, so sad because He could see clearly and knew.

Then He was in front of me, speaking to me and helping me. He moved because I prayed. I asked God for help.

I know someone is asking why He didn't just help me when I was stressed and not praying, I don't know. There have been countless times in my life that God has intervened without me praying, it happens all the time, but I think He wants us to get used to knowing where our help comes from and asking Him, too.

An infant doesn't know how to ask for milk or a diaper change or a blanket. They just cry and their parent meets the need. Toddlers form cry, tantrum, but also form short words. We tell them all the time, "Use your words" because stomping feet for things becomes inappropriate at a certain age. And as children grow older and older, we require more maturity in communication according to their ability, but giving grace for when people we love are overwhelmed or just miss the mark in how to talk to us.

We get that from God. We're made in His image. I don't know if He would have helped me if I didn't pray, but I know prayer moves Him to act.

The position of Jesus as He walked home with us was interesting, too. He was far, but not too far. Even though He hasn't been chosen over the figures, He didn't leave. I believe this was out of pure love and concern, but maybe protection, too. I believe there were limits on how much destruction the figures were allowed to do and His presence ensured that.

As we walked, I wish He was closer to us but understood why He wasn't. For a long time I thought He couldn't be close to the figure guys because they were bad, but I know it was because He'd been rejected. They were chosen over Him.

As I type, I'm only realizing now that I could have walked next to Him if I wanted but I was still choosing my friend and loyalty to her. I could have walked the 30-50ft maybe more (distances aren't my thing-I could have thrown a baseball to Him but would have had to yell to he heard if that helps) but didn't want her to be alone or mad at me. I watched Jesus and felt comforted that at least He was there but I didn't go to Him and regret that. There's a verse about Him being a sword that divides people, it really is like that. Choosing Him will cost you people.

Yes, He's the Prince of Peace, but the peace is for those who go to Him. It's in Him when you abide in Him.

So that was the dream.

When you think about sin, don't close off because it makes you think about condemnation or religious people who have condemned you. Instead, think about this loving Man, Jesus (believe me when I say He is next level loving, He is love) who hates it because of what it does to people He cares so deeply for. He knows what these things have planned and doesn't want it to happen.

That's the whole reason why He died and rose, He wanted to make way out and did.

Doing whatever you want seems cool, but just as we make parameters for our children to keep them safe and thriving, God does the same for us. I'm not why about saying when I get it wrong.

Another thing He mentioned me this morning was about repentance and how powerful it is. It's like it switches the positions of the evil figures and Him. It forces them out and closes the door. Don't be too proud to say, "I messed up, I'm sorry." He loves that so much. A heart that is sorry and accepts His help. Edited to add, it's not enough to say it but that's where. it starts. One has to turn away, like move their whole self and turn from the thing. We expect that of people when they're sorry and God expects that from us. But He's so loving He helps. And when if you mess up, He'll help you again. <3

I feel sad at times for how misunderstood Jesus is in the world. Some people think He's all love and light, like a weak motivational guy. While others see Him as a weapon coming to destroy them and yell at them for how awful they are.

He's neither. While He has a humility about Him that feels in contrast to His power and absolute royal kingship (but somehow isn't), He's not weak. And while He is so loving and gets broken over the things that hurt us and our families, He is holy. He has a standard and doesn't waver although He does forgive when the person He loves asks. But one has to ask.

I was wondering last night if anyone thought I was special because I dream of Him. The answer is no. I asked God to show Him to me many years ago because I did now know who He was, but I loved God and wanted to be in alignment with Him. I had religious ideas and loyalties, but finally loved God more than anything or anyone. When you love someone you want to ride for who they ride for so I said, "If Jesus matters to You, let me know. Show me who He is to You."

You can do the same. If you seek out God and ask Him to show you His truth, not yours or your mom's or your dad's or your people's truth, He'll show you.

The Bible says, "Seek and you will find," and it's not a joke, it's real. He'll show you.

Anyway, I hope you ask Him to show you. It's the most important thing you'll do in your life by far.