So I've been meaning to share this dream for awhile, not because I wanted to but because I felt like I was supposed to. Unfortunately, I'm still working on the gap between knowing I'm meant to do something and doing it, but God's not done with me yet.
The reason I take so long is, well, reason. If I can't understand why I'm doing something, I hesitate because 1) I worry it won't make any sense and 2) I wonder if people will think I'm weird but God has already assured me that people already know I'm weird so that's fine.
I've written and spoken about it before, but the reason I came to believe in Jesus as Lord, God, King, and Son of God is because I had an encounter. He was behind me, I never saw His face, but as I stood outside facing the grass by my house on a sunny afternoon, as I like I tell people, His Presence announced itself. Everything around me, including my own heart and soul and every single one of my cells recognized who He is. The ultimate power, the tremendous, unearthly level of pure love, all of the love, Everything. It's impossible to describe and trying to do so frustrates me.
I don't know if He was in body or spirit of what, but from that moment on about five years ago, I knew.
Since that time, I've had a five dreams of Jesus. I write them down in my journal, as I do all my dreams, but only talk about them a little bit because they feel personal.
But I do have one I feel it's time to share so I will. Maybe it will mean something to someone.
Note: the thing about my dreams with Jesus is that I never know it's Him until I wake up. I'm not sure why He does that. Maybe because He knows I'd literally cling to Him, refuse to let go and ask for a space ride because I 100% would. In my dreams I know the Man is special and different, but it's not until I wake up that I know it's Him.
In the dream I had a job I was starting. It was Starbucks (I worked there as a teenager in real life). I was extremely nervous about starting the job and was concerned with getting there on time. In the dream it was an evening shift. At one point I thought I was an hour late but then realized I wasn't and was on time.
When I got to the job, I didn't see my boss really, but I was aware of one and would see glimpses of a person in charge who was really about the business. I was working, trying to learn the drinks and stocking things and feeling a bit (lot) overwhelmed with everything. It was my first day. One person spent some time training me but overall I was on my own. There was a barn out back with hay which I'm realizing now is pretty strange for a Starbucks.
Anyway, all of a sudden, a Man comes to the counter. He's smiling at me like "SURPRISE!". Jesus is almost always smiling really big and brightly in my dreams except for one where He was so sad, sadder than I've ever seen anyone (someone was doing something that would hurt them- bad behavior really grieves Him not because He's judgemental for judgemental sake but because of the cost- it's long story).
In the dream I knew that I knew this Man and I was SO HAPPY to see Him because I'd been struggling with the job and knew He'd put in a good word with the boss for me (silly, I know). I knew the Man loved me, it felt like the love of a relative, an uncle who really loves you but more, one who really has your back 100% and has known you forever, like that. I was looking forward to doing a good job and having Him tell the boss I'd done well.
He ordered a drink (lol I know) and I set to making it. In case you're wondering if was pineapple flavor. A blended pineapple smoothie thing. I know Starbucks doesn't have those, but that was the order.
That's when things got even worse. As hard as I tried, I could not make the drink. At first, I couldn't find the right cup, then I was fumbling around with supplies...it just would not happen. I messed up so badly someone else, another employee, came and made the drink.
Jesus Who I Didn't Know Was Jesus sat down at a table and I had a clear view of Him where I was working, wiping down a counter feeling so sad because I hadn't been able to make His drink and He was my guest/special relative/friend. I was really bummed and feeling bad about myself.
Then out of nowhere He began to sing. And not just any song, but In the Garden, my most favorite song. It's me and God's special song. When I sing it, I see the garden and each verse feels very alive to me. I've loved the song for a long time and to me, it's the most beautiful song in the world. It's about being in a being alone with God in a beautiful, intimate garden and just enjoying His presence and everything that comes with it.
Jesus' voice, His singing voice, was clear and undecorated but not common, it doesn't sound ordinary, but wasn't fancy or full of vibrato or anything like that. It was strong and cut through all the noise, the real background noise and my thoughts/mood. There's never any competition with His voice and any other sound. His voice becomes the only sound- it's as if all of the other sounds know His and cede voluntarily. It was like that when I felt His Presence that day on the balcony, too. Things that don't seem alive, like sounds and the air, come alive and bow to Him. His voice was beautiful, not in the way someone's voice is beautiful on the radio, but in the purity and calm strength of it. It was comforting, healing took all of my sadness away and I began to sing with Him. It became just Him and me singing and that was all that mattered.
As I think about His singing voice now, I can't hear it but I can feel how it feels to hear it. His voice isn't a voice people would call impressive here, with runs and variations, but I do believe it would quiet everyone and they'd listen, transfixed. It was steady and perfectly melodic, giving each note only what it needed. Singing with Him didn't feel like a performance, it felt like He was helping me stand up.
So many things about Him confound me. From that day on my balcony I was baffled at how He could be so powerful yet so gentle. In my dreams I don't understand how He can be so Everything but appear so normal.
I also don't truly understand why He loves so much. Maybe love doesn't need a reason. I'm grateful for His love, but am in awe that with all the power He has, He chooses to love us and still help us even now. He could be in space chilling, but he's down here helping freaking out humans. But I guess that's what a father's heart is like. He's literally King of all Kings in normal clothes, working (maybe He dresses up sometimes, I don't know).
Back to the dream. So we sang In the Garden and I was comforted and no longer felt as if I'd ruined everything. I mean I'd definitely not made the drink but it didn't feel sad.
In real life, regular things don't often come easy to me. I forget things all the time, misunderstand things, and it's noticeable. Sometimes I get very frustrated and very overwhelmed in my thoughts. I think of possibilities of possibilities of possibilities and most of them aren't great. What if, how can I fix this, what can I do, what if...
Life has a way of telling you about yourself- some truths, some lies- and it's easy to drown in the feelings that go along with that. But with Him you can walk on water. I believe He was showing me how in His Presence, in deliberately connecting with Him, there is peace. I'm learning that when I just remember that it's Him who holds everything together, the noise stops.
He's where the help comes from, like it says in Psalm 121.
Also, Jesus really does love it when we take the time to simply sing Him a song. I didn't know how much. I didn't know He sang with us either. I don't know if He does it every time, but it's a really lovely thought that when we sing to Him, He sings with us.
So, in conclusion, when things get hard or bad, remember who to look to. Sometimes it takes me a minute, but when I do remember, I just think about Him, who He is, how He is in charge of time and everything in and out of time, and I breathe. I thank Him that I'm His. It truly is wonderful to be His. Also sing to Him, He likes that and it really does help calm the soul.
Edited to add: The work we do here is important, the work we do for God is important, but He keeps making me know none of it is as important as our connection with Him. Our communion with Him, time with Him. <3
Here's my favorite version of In the Garden.
I try to always put this here because it was the start for me. He doesn't force, you have to invite Him.